What the fuck is up with Hugh Jackman??  Call me slow, … but I just only realized the other day, that the fagaloid (not that there’s anything wrong with that) from the Boy from Oz is the same guy that played Wolverine in X-Men.  How the hell do you go from this:

To this??

Fucking fruit. 

******EDIT******

OK then, … this gets me thinking of the age old question.  If you were an actor, and they paid you millions and millions of dollars to do a homo scene.  Would you do it? 

So last week, I somehow found myself attending a Star Trek convention. 

OK fine, … it wasn’t exactly a Star Trek convention, … it was some ridiculously boring nerdy lawyer convention.  Same shit.  Anyways, so I’m sitting there with Jay321, my sister, and Kai119, and my mind is going absolutely numb with boredom.  Think about it.  It’s bad enough when I have to sit there and listen to Jay321‘s endless jabber, … now I’m in a room filled with 500 equally boring, yet loooooves to hear themselves talk kind of people!  And on top of that, … I had to listen to these fools give speeches!  I literally felt like that kid during Bush’s speech.

To save myself from resorting to stabbing out my own eyes for entertainment, I ask Kai119 to go outside and have a smoke with me.  And as we’re walking outside to have a cigarette, I guess my brain activity must have been slowed down considerably from all that lawyer talk, for I almost pulled the gayest move in the world!! 

See, … in order to get outside, there are these revolving doors.  But I didn’t even notice that the exit was a revolving door, … and I almost, …. ALMOST, … followed Kai119 into the same compartment!  But thankfully, I realized that the door was revolving at the very last minute, and I pulled back just in time, and saved myself from being a homo (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

But then that got me thinking.  Why is there such a double standard?  You don’t get freaked out when you see two chicks go through the revolving door together.  Hell, … two chicks can go to a one toilet bathroom the size of a small closet together, and people don’t find that the least bit odd.  Yet, … if two guys are sharing a friggin umbrella, … the word “fruitcake” comes to mind.  I dunno, … just a random thought is all.

WTF?? Am I just super slow today?  What the hell is this supposed to mean?  A friend of mine just forwarded this to me in an email.  Now, … I thought I had a dirty mind.  To think of it, … I don’t think there was EVER a time where I didn’t understand a dirty joke, or missed a sexual innuendo.  But this one, … although so flagrantly out there, … I just don’t understand the meaning.  And the funny thing is, … this was sent to me by a chick.  WTF??

Anyways, … can someone please explain this to me?

The caption reads, … “Seen throughout the streets in Belgium, this is an advertisement for the MMS service of the national network provider.  The catch phrase is “could you say this by SMS?”

And I know that it’s a picture of a chick with jiz on her face.  What I wanna know is, …. What the hell does that have to do with a network provider???

OK, … back to being the anonymous Doctor Evil.  Thank you all for your birthday wishes.  And for those that made fun of me about my age, … if you’re a chick, I hope you get fat.  If you’re a guy, I hope you become impotent.

Anyways, … back to my senseless babble.  I have a question for you women folk out there.  Let’s say that you are on a date.  A first date.  And so you go to a nice restaurant, enjoy scintillating conversation throughout, and have a grand old time.  Finally, the bill comes.  What do you do?

A.  Reach for the bill, and insist on paying.  If he insists, you wrestle him for the check.  You will not leave the restaurant without paying.

B.  Push the check towards his direction.  “Here ya go, … thanks!” 

C.  Sincerely offer to split the check.  If he insists on paying, then offer to leave tip.

D.  Slowly, ever so slowly, reach for your pocket book, rumage for your wallet, and innocently ask “how much do I owe?”  Hoping that he’ll offer to pay.

E.  Run to the bathroom.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Depending on what you answer, this is what I will think of you:

Chicks that chose A.  – Holy shit you feminazi, you need to relax.  You got some issues there.  It’s either that you feel like you’ll “owe” him something if he pays, or that you don’t want to come off as the typical submissive girl by having a man pay.  Either or, you got some insecurity issues you need to deal with.  Just because a man buys you dinner, it doesn’t mean that he’s gonna expect you to put out, (well, … unless you’re ordering lobster or something, … HAHA, … I’m kidding.) nor does it mean that you can’t take care of yourself.

Chicks that chose B – Um, … yeah, … you gold digging bitch.  Fuck off.  Enough said.

Chicks that chose C – Your momma raised you right.  Don’t ever let any of your hoochie friends tell you to act any different.

Chicks that chose D – You think it’s the man’s job to pay.  You think to yourself, … I’m a lady and I should be taken care of.  You annoy me.  You fail to realize that just because you have a vagina, it does not mean you’re a lady.  No one is entitled to special treatment.  If you deserve it, you will be rewarded, is what I say.  You’re actually worse than a gold digger because at least a gold digger won’t even front about trying to pay.

Chicks that chose E – See answer for choice B.  Oh come on, … just humor me, will ya?  At least pretend?  Yeah, … I hope you fall in the toilet, bitch.

**Yes, … I realize this isn’t the be all and end all.  It is simply what my impression of you will be.  It’s like if a guy uses chick facial products, such as say, … shesheido, … you’ll probably assume that he is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  You see?

I’m fucking tired.  It’s weird, … I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately.  But I don’t know why.  Yes, … work is stressful.  But then again, … it’s always been stressful, and nothing significant has happened as of late that would put my stress levels higher than normal, I don’t think, … 

And it’s not that I’m getting too little sleep for the night in terms of total hours, … I’ve been allotting myself about 6-8 hrs during the weekdays and about 10 hrs on Saturday night.  It’s just that I keep waking up after a couple of hours of sleep, … so I never get that REM sleep, or whatever you call it.  Even when I’m shit wasted, … it still happens.  Like this past Saturday night, I came home about 3:30 in the morning, drunk off my ass, and passed the fuck out.  Woke up a couple of times throughout the night for no reason, and then woke up for good at 10 in the morning, and simply couldn’t fall back asleep no matter how hard I tried.  So even if you sleep for 8 hours total, … if you’re waking up like 4 times in between, … as Teddy KGB would say:

“I feel so un-si-atisfied.”

I dunno, maybe this is a sign of old age?  You know, … they say that people sleep less and less the older they get.  That’s why you see all those old people up and about at the crack of dawn.  Shit, … maybe that’s what’s happening to me.  How annoying, … I’ve always enjoyed my sleep.  I actually haven’t met anyone who falls asleep faster than me on a more consistent basis.  My ex girlfriends always used to marvel at just how quickly I pass out.

But I’ll tell you, … this non-satisfying sleeping thing has been affecting my mood.  Not that I’m generally what you’d call, … the bubbly jovial type, if you will, … yet I do consider myself to have, by and large, a good-natured disposition.  Fuck you if you don’t agree.  Anyways, I find myself these days being meaner, and crabbier than usual.  More irate.  I dunno, … maybe I just need to go get laid.  Shit, … but in all honesty, … if I had to choose between a good night’s rest and a good night of sex without sleep, … unfortunately at this very moment, I’d choose the sleep.  No matter how hard it is to turn down good pussy (pun intended, HAHA), a man needs his sleep damnit.

Whatever, … hope you fuckers have a restless night.  Misery loves company.

Now I fully understand that everyone needs to work.  People need to work so that they can have income, which creates consumer buying power, which creates further demand for other jobs, so on and so forth.  That’s how the world works.  Sure.  I can deal with that.  But at the same time, there are some jobs out there that are absolutely fucking worthless.  I mean, … they literally make me say, … “Why the fuck do I need you?  Why are you here??”  And it annoys me that people actually consider it work.

Case and point:  the bathroom attendant.  Now do you really need someone to stand there and turn the damn water on for you, squeeze the soap into your hands and give you a friggin paper towel?  Come on now.  How necessary is that?  You’re not really doing a service, rather, just annoying the fuck out of people into giving you a dollar for absolutely nothing!  You’re not the bathroom ATTENDANT, … you’re the bathroom BEGGAR for fuck’s sake.  But yet I feel obligated for some reason to leave that tip.  That fucking basket with the dollar bills inside taunts you, saying “You cheap fuck, … it’s only a dollar.”   And so I take a piece of gum to try and make myself feel better for that lost dollar.  Sometimes, I’ll take TWO pieces of juicy fruit.  And I’ll try to convince myself, … “hey, … at least I got two pieces!”  But I know in the back of my head, … I just got suckered.  Unless you take twenty pieces of gum, …  you just paid for absolutely nothing.  Annoying.

So I’ve trained myself these days to not tip those fuckers.  It’s actually very simple.  Just don’t wash your hands!  (Oh whatever, you squeamish fucks, … my dick is the cleanest thing in that bathroom anyways!)  Before he even gets a chance to reach for that water faucet, … I just zoom the fuck out of there, zipping up in mid stride.  This is especially effective when I’m at a lounge consuming a lot of beer.  Shit, …. if I tipped that fucker every single time, … forget about it.  I’ll end up paying another $5-10 just for the privilege to use the bathroom??  Fuck that.  That’s valuable beer money you’re just throwing away.

Although I will admit, … if the tables were turned, … being a bathroom bitch must be a shitty fucking job.  Sitting in the goddamn bathroom, smelling ass all day cannot be a pleasurable experience.  Knowing me, if I had that job, I’d probably just fuck with people while they’re in the can, just to make myself feel better about being such a bitch.

“Yo man, … you gotta push real hard.  You can do it!!”

After writing the last post, … I became more aware of the frequency of my hand to crotch movements.  And alarmingly, I’m begining to realize that I am fixated on my penis. 

Take for example.  A couple of weeks ago, I was walking down the street and I see a bum with a shopping cart full of cans.  (I don’t know what’s up with me and bums.  I swear, … I never instigate.  Really.)  But anyways, … so I see him approaching my direction and so I start going towards my right, thinking he’ll go to his right, and we can peacefully pass each other.  But instead, this idiot fucker decides to go left to try and avoid me, which makes me go more right, …. which makes him go more left, and then he ends up colliding with me with his fucking shopping cart!!  ARGH!!

“What the fuck!  Whatch where you’re going!”  I say.

“Blah, blah, blah, slur, slur, … !!” says the bum.

And I realize he’s somewhat drunk.  That fucker.  And yet, he’s still talking back to me like I’m the one that did something wrong, when it was him that bumped me with his shopping cart!  Upset, … I kick his shopping cart and say, … “WHAT!”

“Blah, blah, blah, … fuck you, .. blah, blah!” and he starts walking away.

Now, at this point, what am I supposed to do?  I’m not really going to chase after him and pick a fist fight, … he’s just a bum, and I don’t want to get myself dirty.  I am afterall 28 years old.  (Fuck you you fucks, … I’m still 28 until my birthday hits!)  Too old to be a hot head punk.  And I am also wearing a suit.  So instead, the only thing that comes to mind is, ….

“Yeah??!!  Suck my dick, bitch!!”  And I *grab* my cock as I say this.

Yes, .. pretty ghetto.  I know.  But I don’t know what happens to me.  It just seems like the most appropriate thing to do.  And this isn’t the only time that I’ve done this.  Actually, just about every single time I have an argument on the street, no matter who it’s with, … I always end up ending the argument with me grabbing my cock and yelling, … something along the lines of “suck my dick, bitch” “blow me, you fat whore” or ”eat me.” 

Yeah, … I know, … I’m a classy guy.  Heh.

So I pick up my father’s car from the shop today, and I’m driving it back to his garage for him.  I’m stopped at a red light and I look over at the car next to me, because from my peripheral vision, I can see that someone is watching me.  I look over and realize that it’s actually a mini-van that’s next to me, and some hindu fuck is staring at me.

“What the fuck is he staring at?” I think to myself.

So I look to see what he’s looking at exactly, and I realize he’s looking at me because I have my hand on top of my crotch.  No, you sick fucks, … I wasn’t fondling myself in my car, nor did I have my penis out and was jacking off while driving, … you dicks.   I simply had my hand resting over my dick, OVER MY PANTS. 

Which brings me to my question.  Is it strange for someone to have their hands on their genitals?  And if so, why?  First of all, it’s not like I’m sticking my hand inside my pants, … all I’m doing is placing my hand on top, …. whaaat, … I like it cuz it’s warm.  Is that so wrong??  It’s kinda like putting your hands on your lap, except it’s on your crotch.  What’s so wrong about that?  Does that really warrant a stare of curiosity from someone?  Is that so unnatural?  Is it wrong for a woman to touch her own boobies?  Is it considered dirty?  So then why is it wrong for a man to rest his hand on top of his dick? 

Just as long as you’re not fondling yourself in the process I don’t see why people would find it gross, no?  Hell, … what about when you need to *adjust*?  One of my friends goes as far as leaning towards one side and lifting up their entire leg, just so that they’ll be able to *adjust* without actually touching their dick.  What the fuck??  All that just to *shift*?  I say fuck that.  Just grab it and shift.  Big fucking deal.  Why is that considered, … taboo? 

So anyways, … getting back to the story.  So I realize that this fucker is staring at me cuz I got my hand on my dick.  My first instinct is to remove my hand from my crotch area, and put it on my lap instead.  But then, … that would signify an admission of wrong doing.  Which is absolutely false!  What the fuck did I do wrong?  What do I have to be embarrassed for?  I am putting my hand on top of my crotch.  It’s MY hand, MY crotch, inside MY car (actually, my dad’s car, but let’s not get technical here).  Who the fuck are you to stare at me like I’m doing something wrong??

So instead, I decide, … fuck that!  I’m not gonna let this fucker make me feel embarrassed for no reason!  So I turn back at him, … stare right at him, and then grab my balls, as a gesture of defiance.  “Yeah, … what!!”

And the fucker then looks away.  Thought so.  Heh.

Saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last night.  Shit got me thinking.  What if everyone does have a soul mate?  What if there is fate?  How comforting of an idea would that be?  No matter what you do, no matter how much you fuck up, it doesn’t matter because ultimately your life is predetermined.  It was supposed to be end up like that.  It’s fate!

I guess it makes “love matters” much more romantic too.  Think about it!  Out of 6 billion people in this world, you found the one and only person out there that is your better half.  The one person that will compliment you to a point where they make your entire being, your entire life, more fulfilled.  What a fantastically wonderful idea?  Doesn’t that make your relationship so much more sacred?  Much more dire? 

Too bad it’s bullshit.  Trust me, … I wish all this were true too.  I too want to take solace in the idea that there is someone out there especially for me, and that I will meet that person and end up with that person happily ever after.  But it seems more likely to me that all these notions are really just people trying to make themselves feel better.  To make themselves feel “special.”  A way to cope with the drudgery of their miserable, repetitive lives.  To try to remain optimistic, give themselves something to make waking up in the morning easier.  Gives people hope, to look forward to something.  Hoping that today, this very day, … I may meet my certain special someone. 

You delusional fucks, … get your heads out of cotton candy and rainbow land and face reality.  There’s no such thing as fate.  No such thing as soulmates, nor is there destiny.  If there were, then why are there so many unhappy marriages?  So much divorce?  Why do so many people die a miserable lonely death?  Why?  Because it doesn’t exist.  If there was such a thing as destiny, does that mean we’re all destined to lead lost miserable lives?  Because that’s what it seems like most people are doing. 

See, … the sad reality is that people are simply practical.  People find someone that they’re compatible with and they decide to live together.  That’s all.  Some do well, and others don’t.  But it sure as hell ain’t about fate or being soul mates.  Sorry to take the fun out of it, but what it all boils down to is procreation.  That’s what human beings were predisposed to do.  And being that we are someone intelligent creatures, we found a formula that works.  Coupling off to raise children together is much more successful than raising a child by yourself. 

Sorry if this bursted your bubbles.  But I really doubt it did because I came to realize just how thick headed and retarded people are.  That no matter what you say, hopeless romantics will still go on dreaming for that special someone, despite what logic may dictate.  Then again, … maybe I’m just full of shit.  Maybe I’m just jaded, or woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and am feeling cranky and negative?

Completely unrelated but more important than my retarded garble:

Here’s the link to the details article.  Move your cursor to the bottom right hand corner of the page and an icon will appear that’ll allow you to expand the picture.

http://www.koarecords.com/details_asian.jpg

Please click  http://www.petitiononline.com/details4/petition.html and sign the petition to show support against the retarded Details article in the April issue.  For more information click on Drumstix’s site or O_Snip’s.

*************EDIT********************

It cracks me up when chicks say that men look sexy in uniform.  Sure, I’ll admit that some of the uniforms do look bad ass.  Like the uniform that the Navy Seals wear, … the all black with the multi purpose vest and all that cool gear?  Sure.  That’s cool as hell.  But some of them just look plain old retarded.  Take the Navy sailor uniform for one.  What the hell is that? 

Are you telling me this is sexy??  These things look retarded.  The stupid looking overgrown collar (I don’t know what you call it), and that dinky looking hat, and the bell-bottoms?  WTF?  Do chicks really find this outfit sexy?

One things for sure, it absolutely defeats the purpose of a uniform.  The Navy is a fucking military for fucks sake.  Your uniforms should be useful and also instill fear, … not make you look like a gay man playing dress up.  If it were up to me, I’d want my military uniform to be a long black leather jacket or something.  Shit, … I see a bunch of guys coming up to me all wearing black leather trench coats, I’d shit my pants.

You know what’s even more funny?  Normal non-military guys that walk around in camouflage thinking they’re bad ass.  Me and my friends always joke around.  “Hey, you see that guy?  I don’t.”  HAHAHA!!  It’s just plain stupid.  See, you may think that you look tough, but really, … you just look like Gumby with leprosy.  Also, you’re not in a jungle hiding from the enemy, so why the hell are you wearing it?  I guess maybe because chicks think this is sexy too?  Or else why would so many guys do this?

I don’t know, … if you are a girl that finds either the sailor uniform or guys wearing camouflage as street clothes, please explain yourself.  Because that is something that I just don’t understand.