Off on a tangent from my previous post, … so I’m at this random house party a couple of years back when I was down in DC.  That place must have been our third or fourth stop for the night, so everyone was pretty much tired.  The party was dying down as well, so I guess one of the owners was able to let her dog out to roam around the house again. 

So me and my friends are just sitting on the couch drinking some beers when this chick that’s sucking on a lollipop walks in front of us, and notices the dog.  So she reaches down to pet the dog, and then takes the lollipop out of her mouth, and gives it to the dog.

So she lets the dog munch on the lollipop for a little bit, … and then, … I shit you not, … she takes it out of the dog’s mouth, and *pop!*  Pops it back into her mouth again!  Me and my friends are like, … WTF??? 

EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

And so later on we’re outside in front of the house, and we’re just discussing this with other people and some random chick (probably the germ girl’s friend) overhears our conversation and decides to defend the action:

Girl:  “you know, … dog’s mouths are cleaner than human mouths.” (in a bitchy tone)

Me:  “I don’t give a fuck, … dogs go around licking shit and drinking toilet water!  EWWWWW!” 

Girl:  “Chi~~!”  *and rolls her eyes, snorts, and walks away*

Now, … I like dogs just as much as the next person, I think.  I like to play with them, … I think they’re cute, and tasty too!  Ok, just joking about the tasty part.  Never eaten dog before.  BUT if I were stranded on a desert island, … yes, Fido would be puppy chow.  But I digress.

I can’t understand people that sit there and kiss their dogs and share food with their dogs.  Like those old ladies with their little shitzuz’s and pomeranians (sp?).  How can  you sit there and virtually french kiss your dog?  Do you not realize that dogs are constantly sticking their faces in other dog’s asses?  Yes, … some people also toss salad, too, … and I don’t kiss them either!  And at least people brush their teeth!  When the fuck do dogs brush their teeth??!!

Am I the only one that feels this way? 

So there I am, in my first day of school, sitting in the opening minutes of my sixth period english class in ninth grade.  It was a very exciting day for me as that day was not only my first day of school, … it was my first day in High School!

And so I’m sitting there excitedly chewing my gum, busy looking around at all the new faces, trying to spot a familiar face in the crowd, when I notice that the kid sitting directly behind me is looking straight at me.  So I turn around and face him and he says:

Kid:  Hey, … I’m Marshall.

Me:  Hey, … I’m Dr. Evil.  What’s up!

Kid:  Hey, … you got another piece of gum?

Me:  Sorry, this is all I have.  *and I grab my gum out of my mouth with my fingers and show him*

Kid:  Are you done with that?

Me:  HUH??!!  You mean you want this one?

Kid:  Yeah, … unless you still want to chew it.

Now, …. at this point, … sure, … I could have chewed my gum for a bit longer.  Hell, … I chew the same piece of gum for hours and hours at a time simply because I’m just to damn lazy to spit it out.  But WTF????  Who does that?  Who in their right mind asks for a piece of gum that you’re ALREADY chewing??  Let alone from a total stranger!

So I had to, HAD TO find out if this kid was serious.

Me:  You mean this one??!! *gesturing to the wad of gum in my fingers*

Kid:  Yeah.

Me:  Um, …. sure, … I guess, ….

And I watched with utter dismay, as he took the chewed up gum from my fingers and popped it into his mouth and started to chew.

Now, … I’m looking at this kid like he’s a circus freak show.  For a good 30 seconds or so, … I’m watching this kid munch on my chewed up piece of gum with complete sheer disbelief.  And then, the kid decides to spit it out.

Kid:  “Bah, … this gum’s lost all it’s flavor!”

************************

Oh, almost forgot.  It’ll be the little butt shaker’s birthday this weekend.  Please stop by and wish her a happy bday.

Now we’ve all gotten drunk in our lives.  So drunk that we end up puking our brains out.  Sure, … everyone’s been through it.  I don’t think I can even name a single friend of mine, that hasn’t barfed his/her brains out from drinking too much.

But I swear, as much as I’ve been around drunk people throwing up, … I’ve never, EVER, seen someone throw up as grandly as a good buddy of mine does.  And when I say grandly, … I mean GRANDLY.  I mean, … I would imagine a waterbuffalo wouldn’t even be able to make such horrendous noises.  But to spare him some embarrassment, … I’ll refrain from revealing his identity.  Instead, … let’s just call him Jay. 

So back in the days of J.J. Mahoney’s, … we are all there hanging out, drinking bottles and bottles of crown and chivas like idiots, and as gay people like to say, … getting our drink on!

Now, … our friend Jay was feeling especially festive for some reason that night, and I guess he drank a couple of drinks more than he could handle.  Feeling a little woozy Jay decides to go upstairs to the hotel pennsylvania lobby to get some fresh air.  Noticing that my drunk friend is hobbling up the stairs, I follow him to make sure he’s ok.

So drunk Jay sits down on one of the benches in the middle of the lobby, and I notice that his face is all pale, and he doesn’t look very good.  Then all of a sudden, “Jay” leans over and, …

Now, … like I said before, … puking is fine.  Sure, it’s a little bad when you’re puking in the middle of a hotel lobby, … on their persian rug, …. in front of the concierge desk.  But whatever, … everyone does something silly like that once in a while. 

But MAN!!  The way Jay puked was like no other.  I mean, … I’m not talking about just a simple “BLAH!” and the puke is out.  The most HORRIFIC gut wrenching noises came out of his body.  I’d try to replicate the noises but I know I won’t be able to come even close to making such noises unless someone was trying to disect my left nut with a butterknife.  Yes, … that’s how bad it was. 

But here’s when it get’s funny.  The conversation went something like this.

Jay:  “AUUUUGGGGHHHH, …. UUUUGGHG, …. OOOOUUUUUGHHH!!”

Me:  “Yikes, … you alright?  WTF?  Are you gonna die?  Yo man, … let’s go outside, … you’re throwing up in the middle of a hotel lobby.”

Jay:  “UUUUGGGHH, …. OOUUUUUGHHHGAHHH, … AAAAUUUGH!!!!  I CAN’T MAKE IT!!  UUUUUGGGGH” *Dry heaves some more*

Me:  “um, … fine, … it’s alright man, …. just let it out.”

Jay:  “OUUGHHHH, …. DOCTOR EEEEVVVVILLLL, ….. !!!!!   YOUUU GOTTTA HEEEEEEELLLLLLPP ME!!!  HEELLP ME!!!   AYUDAME!!!”

Me:  *Patting him on the back*  “It’s alright man, … you’ll be fine.”

Jay:  “OHHHHH LOOORRRDDDY, …. JEEESUSSS!!!   LOOORD SAAAVVVEE MEEEE!!!   OUUUUUGGGGGH!!  AIDIOS MIO!!”

Me:  *chuckling*  WTF???  Did he just say “lord help me?”  HAHAHAHA!!

And he says I’m a drama king.  Sheesh!

Oh BTW, … because Jay was making such horrific noises, … even the people at the hotel didn’t have the heart to kick him out.  I guess the possibility that they may be kicking out a dying man out on the street allowed them to just leave him be. 

GODDAMN!!  I totally feel like I’ve crawled out of my own grave!  I’ve been sick for the past 5 days now, … and it’s only today where I am starting to feel somewhat normal again.  Well, … still not 100% yet, … but able to maintain a coherent thought, at least.

So I was in the Bahamas this past weekend.  And even though I think that the Bahamas is the tits, I don’t think I’d be able to survive another trip just like this past one with the same company I kept.  I mean, … we’d wake up, grab some food, … go to the pool, then the ocean, all the while drinking and making the most of the all-inclusive, and then hang out drinking until dinner time, have dinner and drink, … then play a card game called asshole (drinking game), … and then hit the lounge/bar in the hotel.  And after everything died down, … you go down to the casino to gamble and get more free drinks.  With the already decrepit state that my body was in after Korea, I guess I know exactly why my body just simply broke down.  Ugh.  And boy am I paying for it.

But I’m totally moving far far away from what I wanted to talk about.  So getting back to my original intent for this post, … this past weekend in the bahamas, I’m hanging out in the pool with my old bschool buddies.  We’re all chilling out, hanging around the poolside bar, when I look over to one of my friends and he’s got this strange expression on his face, … like “ahhh, … relief!”  So I’m thinking, … what the fuck is up with him??  And then it hits me. 

THE MOTHERFUCKER IS PEEING IN THE POOL! 

So I say, … “Holy shit you drunk fuck!!  Are you peeing in the pool??!!”

Drunk fuck says:  “Yup!” and looks back at me with an evil grin on his face.

Me:  “You Motherfucker!  Why do you gotta do this when you’re literally 5 ft away from me?!”

Drunk Fuck:  “Oh well” and continues to grin.

Now my first instinct after this was to just leave the pool.  But then that would mean that I’d be forgoing my drink at the bar in the pool.  What a dilema, I thought.  But the more I thought about it, … the more I realized, hell, … I’m sure half of those people in the pool already pissed in it, … and we are all just there swimming around and splashing around in a pool of chlorinated random urine.  We just like to think no one pees in the pool for our own piece of mind.  But we all know that everyone does it.  Well, … every little kid does anyways.  And by a very quick Count, …

I saw: One, … Two, … Three, … Four, … Five, … Six, … Seven, … … Eight!!  Eight little pee-ers!!!  AH – AH – AH!!!

And so I realized there was only one solution.  The only one thing that I’d be able to do to make things right.  That was to take a piss right then and there.  In the pool.  Hell, … if I’m going to sit there and play in a pool of urine, … at least some of that shit better be my own!  And so I pissed, … all the while fanning the water ever so casually towards the direction of my friends, … with an evil grin on my face.  HA!

These days, it seems as though a lot of people are going through some rough times.  Well, that’s what it seems like when I read other people’s posts.  People have been writing about lost friends, idealism, priorities, disenchantment, the meaning of life, … the list goes on and on.  I guess it’s only natural.  At this point in our lives.  As we grow up and experience more, see more, feel more, we all start to realize that things aren’t so clear cut as we once thought.  Uncertain about the future, hell, … uncertain about the present, … you start feeling lost.  And you find yourself reevaluating your entire life in every which way.

Sure, … I feel the same way too.  Although I’m 29 years old, and I’m still just as lost as the next person.  I have no idea where I’ll be in the next 5 years.  But you know what I say about all this? 

Who the fuck cares.  Shit comes up, you deal and move on to the next thing.  The only important thing you need to keep in mind is to laugh and make the most of it.  Other than that, … I have no real answers.  Fuck if I know.  So instead, … I’m just gonna talk about farting. 

Guys fart around each other like crazy.  And they have no qualms about it.  If I let one rip, … I announce it.  I’m proud of that shit.  “HAHA, … smell it, bitches!”  And most of my friends are like that too.  Some worse than others.  I remember when me and Makhoo used to work together, we’d be driving back from work, and I swear, … I have no idea what the fuck he’d eat for lunch, but GOD DAMN, … that shit would make my nose hairs curl up.  And the asshole, … he wouldn’t warn me either.  He’d be driving, and without saying a word, … just let a silent but deadly one riiip.  But what’s worse is that he’d put the window locks on and pump up the heat!!  That fucker. 

But anyways, … it’s very seldom that chicks will admit to flatulence.  They like to pretend that they’re super human, and gas just doesn’t come out of their bungholes.  Why?  Who the hell cares?!  It’s only natural.  Just let it out!  Hell, … out of my past gf’s, … I don’t think I can remember even one of them letting it rip with reckless abandonment.

My sister is another one of those types.  She will NEVER admit that she played the ass trumpet.  Never.  Say we’re on a roadtrip.  But out of nowhere, … evil will come out of her ass but only, it’ll be super silent.  Everyone else in the car will smell it and the conversation will sound remarkably similar to this:

Me:  ”HOLY SHIT!  What the fuck!!  Who the hell farted??!!”

Other Guy:  “Wasn’t me.  But DAMN!!”

Sis:  “Wasn’t me.”

Me:  “It wasn’t me!  I’d admit that shit.  Who the fuck was that?  Roll down the windows!”

Other Guy:  “I’d admit that shit too!  Damn, … shit smells like something crawled up someone’s ass and died!”

Me:  “Yeah man, … like two days ago!”

Sis:  “It was YOU Doctorevil!”

Me:  “Nah man, … you know I always own up to my farts!  It gotta be you Nuna (older sister in Korean)”

Other guy:  “Yeah, … it gotta be her!  I always own up to it too!”

Sis:  “NOOO, … it’s probably outside!  It definitely wasn’t me.  I didn’t do it.  I DIDN’T DO IT!!  REALLY!  IT WAS YOU!  OR OTHER GUY!  NOT ME!”

Me:  “Yeah, … whatever.  Stop eating so much cheese woman.”

And then she’ll have the nerve to actually get mad that we accused her.  WTF??

Why do people place such emphasis on how many sexual partners a person has had?  Why does everyone make it a point to make sure they never lose track of that count?  See, … it doesn’t matter if a guy has 5487 or 7.  He’ll be able to spit that number out without a shred of uncertainty if you ask him.  Chicks too, keep track of that number as if their entire livelihood depended on it.  They know that number better than their own mother’s birthday.

Why is this number so important??  Because people deem it as some sort of indicator of how much of a stud/slut you are.  Goes without saying, … generally speaking, the higher the count for the guy, the more of a stud he is deemed, while the exact opposite goes for the girl.

But is this really the most accurate measure of sluttiness or studdliness?  What about if you’re chick and you’ve slept with only 5 guys, and all were long term boyfriends, … yadda yadda yadda.  Would you consider her a slut?  Probably not.  Right? 

Yet, … let’s say that this same chick, although having only 5 different partners, also sucked about 60 other cocks.  Do you consider her the same virtuous chick?  Hells no!  She’s slutteriffic!

“You mean to tell me that everytime I kiss you, I’m kissing 18 other dicks??!!”

Or what would you say about a guy who’s only had 5 partners, but has recieved blowjobs from 60 different girls.  Again, … you’d think of him differently, … no?

But here’s the thing, … you ask a chick how many different cocks she’s stuck in her mouth, she’ll look just as confused if you asked her to divide 4564 by 4 in her head.  Why?  Because you don’t really need to keep track of this since you’re not being judged on this.  Try it for yourself. 

For all guys, quickly answer this in your head.

1.  How many chicks have you banged?

2.  How many chicks gave you blowjobs?

For all chicks and Kai119 quickly answer this in your head:

1.  How many partners have you had?

2.  How many different dicks have you sucked?

I’m assuming that the answer to Q#1 came much faster than Q#2, no?  Hell, …. I’m sure Kai119 won’t be done counting until another hour from now.  But anyways, … my point is, … we’re focusing on the wrong indicator to base our perceptions.  Please note, … this is not to say that trying to make an assessment about someone’s whore level is necessarily the right thing to do.  BUT, … if you’re going to make these assumptions anyhow, … you might as well use a more accurate measure, no?  Haha! 

So for you chicks out there, … next time, don’t ask a guy how many chicks he’s slept with, … ask him how many different chicks have kissed his magic stick.  And guys, … don’t ask her how many guys she’s been with, … ask her how many cocks she’s sucked. 

But please, if you’re going to ask such questions, keep in mind that you need make sure you that you are ready to hear the information you are going to recieve.

So while I’m in Korea, I’m at this club, and I see this super hot chick dancing by herself.  So I go up to her and she just starts grinding me and whispers in my ear in Korean, … “I want to have sex with you tonight.” 

Yeah right!  HAHA, … you sick fucks trying to live vicariously off of my single-dom.  Fuck you people.  Sorry to dissappoint, … but I didn’t “hook up” with any chicks from the club nor did I bang any hookers.  All I did was see my friend’s wedding, saw some relatives that I haven’t seen in a very very long time, got to drink with my college buddies, and got to see my little nephew.  Probably, … the most affection I got during my stay was from my little nephew when he gave me a hug and a kiss for buying him a remote control car.  Whatever, … a pretty busy 3 days and 4 nights, … no?   

Anyways, … this gets me thinking.  When someone goes away, it seems as though they have some sort of obligation to bring back a sexual conquest story or else everyone is disappointed.  Don’t you think?  And when people come back and say that they didn’t hook up with someone, … everyone is almost in disbelief.

Why?  Because people act differently when they are on vacation.  It’s like a Transformer.  An Autobot goes on vacation, …

and BAM!  Decepticon!

Normally a hardworking professional climbing the corporate ladder, …

But Girls Gone Wild on Vacation.

But seriously, … people like to attribute this stuff by saying that they were more relaxed on vacation.  Not stressed out.  As one of my Professors back in school used to say, … HORSESHIT!!! 

This happens because you want to come back with stories.  People CHOOSE to make things happen.  Hell, … you’re shelling out a $1500 for 7 days, you want to make it memorable.  Money well spent.  Ensure that you’ll have some memorable experiences that you can look back onto for a long time.  Well, … this and the fact that you are only there temporarily (and so you don’t have to face the consequences of your retarded actions).

Sure, … drunkenness also plays a role in it, … but not really, since most people are out every weekend getting shit faced.  I mean, … I agree that crazy stories do come out of those drunken weekends too.  But on the whole, … are they crazier than, say, stories of your spring break during Cancun??  Probably not.

Now, … don’t get me wrong, … I’m not condemning this kind of act at all.  Hell, … I’ve been a major perpetrator of such vacation mentalities in the past.  And such acts which shall stay within the confines of my memory bank to look onto fondly for a vacation well spent.

For those of you that don’t know, I was back in the motherland this past week (well, … 5 days).  My first time in about 9 years.  Had a fantastic time, but am tired as hell and have much work to catch up on.  But of course, I need to squeeze in a xanga post, no?

Anyways, …. so I’m hanging out in Seoul in a second floor cafe, sipping on a cup of joe (or rather, a half a cup because Koreans refuse give you more than a half a cup when you order a cup of coffee for fear of melanoma) smoking a cigarette (because I can, … anywhere), and looking out onto the massive waves of people walking around. 

OK fine, … so I’m scoping out hot young chicks from a great vantage point (like the dirty old man that I am).  But here’s the thing.  So I’ve heard from all of my friends that chicks in Korea are super hot, and super thin and blah blah blah, yadda yadda.  But my realization?  Sure, … I’d bang a large majority of these chicks, … but you know something, … they’re not very hot at all.  Actually, … the thing that came across my mind was, … yo man, … these chicks are kinda fat.  And I don’t mean phat like the black people say it, … I mean fat, like carrying a couple of extra chins kind of fat. 

Don’t get me wrong, … these chicks aren’t nearly like Rosanne Barr size now.  And you won’t see very many obese people.  But for all that clamor about how hot and thin they were, …. please, … I wouldn’t think twice about sending them one of these.

Maybe Koreans have just gotten fatter lately with all the new fast food restaurants there.  Like KFC’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, and of course the ”Mek don al do”s.

***Edit***

FYI, … This was at Myoung Dong.  But anyways, … I think you guys misunderstood me.  My point wasn’t to say that there weren’t any hot chicks in Korea.  Cuz by and large, … I did see many many that made me say, as Cgroovin puts it “hizzzzzzzzowwwwwwiieeeeeeee!!”  But you expect that, no??

It’s more of the fact that I thought EVERYONE and their mothers (yes, … MILFs are fine, hahaha) would be spectabulously superduper fine.  But they’re not.  Not more so than anywhere else.  I’m saying that for people to think that Korea is a land of hot chicks is misleading because I’d say the percentage of hot chicks in Korea isn’t any higher than any other race.

Why do chicks get so pissed off when you ask them if they’re PMSing?  Oh please, I don’t want to hear it from you chicks that say you don’t get offended.  Why?  Because you are full of shit!  ALL CHICKS GET OFFENDED.  Just admit it.  Don’t pretend like you don’t, and then later on when I suspect that you may be and ask you if you are, … throw a hissy fit and take a dump on my bed.

OK, here’s my take on it.  Why does it bother chicks so much?  Because telling a chick that she is PMSing is pretty much telling her that there’s something wrong with her head cuz there’s a chemical imbalance going on.  But is that necessarily wrong?  Let’s really examine the situation here.

Now, let’s say me and a chick are having a conversation, and she’s making even less sense than she normally does because she was indeed PMSing.  If I suspect this and ask her if she is, she should be fully aware that she is and concede to the fact that she is not in her correct state of mind.  Thus, she should take a step back, even apologize for being irrational.  Isn’t that what a reasonable and rational person does?

But, … let’s say that she’s NOT PMSing.  Well, … fine, … so that means that she’s just not making any sense despite the normal amounts of hormones circulating in her brain.  I say, … well, … shouldn’t she try to understand this as well??  Hell, … if someone asked me, … “Hey, Doctor Evil, … you don’t seem to be making any sense today.  Is everything all right?  Maybe you have some sort of chemical imbalance in your brain.”  I’d think to myself, … hmmm, … this person thinks I’m not making any sense to such an extent that he fears for my hormonal balance.  I shall take this as a sign that maybe I am not completely coherent at this moment and will thus reevaluate my stance on this argument. 

But unfortunately, … chicks don’t see it this way.  Instead, … this is what happens:

Me:  Hey, … so what movie do you want to see tonight?

Chick:  I don’t care.  Whatever you want.

Me:  OOH, … What about “Lesbian Warrior Robots from Venus!”

Chick:  CHI~ why do you guys always want to see stupid shit like that for?

Me:  What, … you said you don’t care?  Fine, … you pick one then.

Chick:  BLAH!!!  Why can’t I simply say that I don’t care only to hope that you will care and think about what I want to see and make a suggestion based on my preferences instead of your own primitive meathead urges?  Why do you have to come up with a solution?  Why must you always try and turn it around on me like I’m the one being difficult?  Why can’t you, too, know what it feels like to be thirsty?  Why do you hate me?  Why am I always the victim? 

Me:  Ummm, … whuuuut??  Wait, … is it your time of month?

Chick:  WAHHHHHHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!  BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BABBLE BABBLE BABBLE BABBLE, UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA.  *Drops her pants and takes a shit*

****This is a dramatization.  The events portrayed in this post were made solely for the purposes of Xanga.  Such depictions may or may not necessarily be an exact transcript of conversations or events that occurred with one of DoctorEvil1’s ex girlfriends. ****

You see what I mean?  How ridiculous is this?  What’s the big deal?  It’s obvious that you chicks are not thinking or speaking coherently.  Why not just admit that you’re PMSing?  Or better yet, … why not just warn us that you are??  If I do know that you’re PMSing, then I know how to handle the situation better, instead of getting into a nonsensical argument which I won’t be able to even make sense of.

For example, the above argument could have been handled like this:

Me:  Hey, … so what movie do you want to see tonight?

Chick:  I don’t care.  Whatever you want.  But I’m PMSing.

Me:  Um, … ok, … let’s go feed you some ice cream instead.

Chick:  Yay!

Or like this:

Me:  Hey, … so what movie do you want to see tonight?

Chick:  I don’t care.  Whatever you want.

Me:  OOH, .. what about “Lesbian Warrior Robots from Venus!”

Chick:  CHI~ why do you guys always want to see stupid shit like that for?

Me:  What, … you said you don’t care?  Fine, … you pick one then.

Chick:  BLAH!!!  Why can’t I simply say that I don’t care only to hope that you will care and think about what I want to see and make a suggestion based on my preferences instead of your own primitive meathead urges?  Why do you have to come up with a solution?  Why must you always try and turn it around on me like I’m the one being difficult?  Why can’t you, too, know what it feels like to be thirsty?  Why do you hate me?  Why am I always the victim? 

Me:  Ummm, … whuuuut??  Wait, … is it your time of month?

Chick:  Hey, … I think it is.  Maybe I’m not being very rational right now.  Please excuse me.

Me:  No problem.  Why don’t we just get you some ice cream instead?

Chick:  Yay!

See, … now wasn’t that so much better for both parties involved??