Random things floating around in my head:

1.  Does anyone know why they decorate a Christmas tree?  How did they even invent such a thing?  To me, it seems like such a random thing to do, to chop down a tree, lug it in the house, so that you can decorate it.

2.  You know what’s funnier?  A hanuka bush.  HAHA.  Those crazy jews.

3.  Why do the call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing I’d have to do when I get there is introduce myself.  House_of_Groove brought this up the other day and it’s been bugging me.

4.  That song, “Jenny from the block,” by JLo.  She basically remade the same song that was out around the same time.  Maybe a few months before.  Do you know who it’s by, and what the name of the song is?  The song goes “da da da – dada.”  Do you know what I’m talking about??????

5.  How did eskimos light fires in their igloos?  Wouldn’t their houses melt even if they cut out a hole in the roof?

6.  Do you think people have more sex during the winter or during the summer?

7.  Why do chicks like bread so much?  I don’t understand it.  Bread to me just a base.  Like you don’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the bread, you make it for the pb&j.

8.  The annual price inflation for these designer bags seems like they’ve surpassed the normal rate of inflation.  If the average CPI inflation rate is at 3%, it seems like the bag rate is at 50%.  WTF.

9.  What ever happened to that fat little kid Peter (Rudy’s friend) from the Cosby Show that used to just run home if shit went wrong?  I wonder what he’s doing now.

 10.  How did the Knicks end up losing last night’s game??

Walking down the street this morning, I witnessed THE lamest argument EVER between the Gayest Asian Man in the World (I think he was Chinese, HAHA) and a Jewish Middle-Aged Chick.  It was so lame, I started cracking up in the middle of it.  So this is how it went.

The Gay Asian Man is happily frolicing down the street, when the grumpy Jewish Middle Aged Chick in a rush, walking furiously with her head down, steps on the GAM’s heels.  She stops, gives that snort that sounds like ”GAH” because for some reason she finds it incredulous that the GAM is walking so slow.  She then goes around him and tries to walk ahead.

BUT, … the GAM must have woken up cranky this morning because he wasn’t having any of this.  And this is the conversation that took place:

GAM:  “Bitch, … at least apologize” – (in that gay voice)

*JMAC rolls her eyes and walks forward*

GAM:  *picking up his pace so that he’s now literally walking side by side with her*  “What a bitch, … at least apologize.”

JMAC:  “I get trampled on all day.  I don’t have to apologize to you.” *still walking*

GAM:  “What a bitch!  What a fucking bitch!” *still keeping pace right next to her*

And so now, they’re still walking side by side down the block, and every couple of steps, the GAM would turn to her and say “Bitch!”  This happens for about half a block, until the JMAC finally retorts:

JMAC:  “Whatever, you, … you, …. ASIAN!”

GAM:  “Whatever, …. you, … you, … JEW!”

*by this time the JMAC was headed down the subway entrance*

And so GAM yells one more time, … “Bitch!”

And that was the fight. 

I was right behind this as it took place, and as soon as they started yelling out politically correct terminologies, I almost lost it.  For fuck’s sake, … if you’re going to use racial insults in an argument, at least use the slang!  That’s like me trying to insult someone by calling them a HUMAN!

People crack me up!

*******************************

Anyways, moving on to a completely seperate topic, with christmas coming up, I just wanted to make an announcement. 

“I am not giving gifts to anyone.  If you are a guy friend of mine, and are wondering if you should get me a gift, … you’re a homo.  Guys don’t get each other gifts.  If you are a chick friend, and you are wondering whether to give me a gift or not, … don’t, because I will not get you anything.  Save your money.  That’s what I intend on doing.  I don’t care if you are one of those people that really appreciates the joy in gift giving.  If you get me something, then I’ll feel bad because I didn’t get you anything.  And so I’ll hate you for it.  So don’t do it, … you, you, … HUMANS!”

Life Lesson #419 from Doctor Evil1:

All the time, I hear all this advice given on xanga sites, about how if a guy wants to get chicks he shouldn’t be nice, how nice guys finish last, … yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well here’s the only advice you really should take:

If you’re a good looking guy, don’t worry about being a nice guy or being a bad ass.  It doesn’t matter.  Chicks will dig your shit regardless of whichever front that you may or may not put up.  This isn’t to say that you’re going to get ALL the chicks, EVERY time.  However, … you’ll get laid your fair share of times.  So no need to sweat it.

But that was too easy.  Because good looking guys get laid and don’t really need the advice.  Now, … if you’re an ugly guy, then listen up.

When a chick tells you that you’re “too nice.”  She’s actually saying to you, you’re “too ugly.”  When she talks about being attracted to bad boys, … she’s lying.  Do you think a chick will ever reject Brad Pitt for being too nice?  No.  Do you think Johnny Depp has to worry about appearing too nice?  No. 

“Chicks don’t like me because I’m too nice.”

In reality, what nice is, is an ugly man’s way of trying to get laid.  If you’re ugly, you try to make up for that by being nice.  And deep down inside, chicks know this too.  And so being “nice” only confirms to her that you’re ugly (at least uglier than she is).  And that’s why she’ll tell you you’re too nice. 

You don’t believe me?  Well, let me ask you this.  For all the guys out there who think that they’re “good looking,” … What would be your initial reaction when you meet Angelina Jolie?  To be a dick to her?  No.  You’ll be the nicest fucking guy in the world.  Why?  Because to Angelina Jolie, you’d be one ugly mother fucker.  That’s why.

BUT, being an asshole to try and counter this really isn’t going to help you get laid either.  That’s like a fat chick buying a spandex tube top, thinking that it will make her stomach stick out less, instead of going on a diet.  It just doesn’t work.  It actually makes the situation even worse, because you’re not addressing the root of the problem.

What you have to address is the fact that you’re ugly.  So, … for the ugly guys out there, it’s simple.  Don’t focus on looks.  Instead, get good at something else, and use that to define who you are.  Place emphasis on that, instead of trying to compete with other guys in terms of looks.  This could be getting good at a particular sport, becoming an artist, becoming a writer, playing an instrument, or even becoming ridiculously rich.  Whatever.  Hell, … I hear even the foosball champion on NYC gets chicks for being the foosball champ.  And this guy is about 5’2” and 235 lbs!

The good thing about this world is that chicks are less superficial than guys.  So they will value other attributes that you have other than just looks.  Don’t worry about being nice or not nice.  None of that really matters.  Just get good at something and the rest will follow. 

Lesson Ended.

I swear, … if I read another one of those “Say something to twenty of your subscribers” things, I’m going to pull a Rasheed Wallace and get up on this table and start growling and looking all crazy. 

Anyways, God damn it’s been super busy for the past few!  But thank god for thanksgiving.  I finally have a chance to goof off a bit.

So yesterday morning, I’m getting ready for work, and I left the house forgetting to put on my belt.  I always thought that I needed the belt or else my pants will be falling down all over the place.  At least that’s what I remember happening in the past.  But strangely, …. it turns out that I really don’t need a belt anymore.  I didn’t even notice I didn’t have a belt on until the afternoon.  Kinda sad.  Oh well.  Thank god I’m not a chick, or else I’d be all depressed and starve myself for a week.  But how ironic is it that I’m always making fun of Chin and Slimfast.   

But off on a tangent, … I realized why so many people wear clothes that they shouldn’t.  Especially fat chicks.  You know what I’m talking about.  Like fat chicks wearing anything spandex or those low rider jeans.  Everytime you see this, I know all of you are say to yourselves, … “God Damn!!  Why in the world is she wearing that?  Doesn’t she realize that all her fat is hanging out everywhere??” 

But the answer to that question is really a “No.  She doesn’t realize.”  See, … people are delusional.  That’s the thing.  Especially chicks.  When a fat chick goes to the store, and picks up those low rider jeans and tries them on, she gets in front of the mirror and then sucks in her gut. 

Hell, … I’ll admit it.  I do the same thing.  Not with clothes, … but everymorning, I do get infront of the mirror and breathe in, stick my chest out, … do a little flexing, and think that that’s how I always look.  But in reality, I’m just a lanky looking guy with bad posture. 

But anyways, … back to the fat chick at the store, … she’ll suck in her gut, stick out her chest, and position herself to stand in an this awkward way where she’s turned to the side but facing forward, so that all her back fat is stretched out and smoothed over.  And so she’ll look at herself thinking “hey, … not bad.”  And make that purchase.

But as soon as she*whew* exhales, … all the fat that she sucked in comes buldging out again.  And trust me people.  There’s nothing more unpleasant than when you see a fat chick trying to make sure that her fat ass stays in those tiny ass low rider jeans, constantly tugging at them at the waistband because her back fat is pushing that shit down. 

Anyways, … on that note, … hope all you chicks enjoy your yummy, wonderful, Carb-filled, fattening Thanksgiving meals.

gf: my bum is hurting
me: from?
gf: hurting = burning
me: from?
gf: i think it’s from my super spicy steak
me: hahahhahahha
gf: ahhaaahahah
gf: shut up
me: diarreaha!!
me: hahahahhahahaha
me: and you were just saying yesterday
me: “I can take more spicy stuff than you!”
me: HAHAHHHAHHAHAH
gf: stfu
gf: i h8 u
me: your bunghole hates you more
me: hahahahaha
gf: haahahahahah
gf: i made a mistake
gf: telling yuou
me: heh heh
me: I’m gonna post this aim conversation
gf: nooooooooooooo

***************edit*********************

http://image.nartbox.com/ecard/swf/040121_dung.swf

wtf??  HAHAHA

This morning, I woke up with a bruise on my shin.  That bruise probably came from my sister kicking me in the shin yesterday morning.  Yes, Dr. Evil, even at the ripe old age of 29, still gets beaten up by his sister.  Let me tell you what happened.

So yesterday morning, … I see my sister walking down the street, … her mind obviously focused on trying to get to work because she’s running late for work as usual.  So, … I sneak up behind her and yell, ….

BOO!!! and *jab her in the ribs*.  HAHA! 

And the rest of the story is better told in pictures so here goes.  BTW, … you like my MSPaint skills or what??

So she SPAZZES out!  “BAHH!!  AIDIOS MIO!!”

and the funniest thing is that after she spazzed out, … she *GRABS* her heart like she’s having a heart attack!!!  (why do chicks to this??)

But then, … she got angry….

But I was still too busy pointing and laughing at her…

and so she ….

And that’s why I woke up with a bruise on my shin today.

I know, I know, … I’m an immature asshole, …. but you don’t understand how funny her reaction was!!  I swear, … I was laughing for the whole day yesterday.  Actually, … I’m still laughing now as I write this post.  HAHAHA!!  Yeah, …. that was a good one.  HAHA!

All this talk about politics is making me think back to my own political career.  Back in the sixth grade, I think, … or was it the seventh?  Whatever, … anyways, I ran for homeroom president or something like that.  So you’re allowed to have a week or so of “campaigning” which entailed puting up a cardboard poster on your homeroom class bulletin board, and giving a two minute speech of why you’d make such a great homeroom president.  I don’t even remember what the duties were.  I think you got to carry the flag down to the auditorium or something retarded like that.  Wait, … I might even be making that up.  I don’t even know if we had a flag to carry down.

Anyways, … getting back to it, … so during that week, …. besides the poster and the speech, … all the candidates went to their own grassroots campaigning, … trying to make as many friends as possible.  So I’m trying to ham it up to my classmates like everyone else that ran, and it soon became clear that I’ll need to make some shady deals to try and secure my presidency.

If I recall correctly, there were like three positions available, and like 10 people running in total.  In a class the size of 30, … the running officials make up a large percentage of voters.  So basically, I told every candidate that I’d vote for them if they voted for me.  Hell, … I think I even tried to make the same deal with my opponents.  HAHA.

It didn’t even occur to me that I may get caught making all these shady deals.  I mean, … hell, … the ballots are done anonymously.  How is anyone to know who voted for who?  Right? 

Not quite.  It would have been fine except for the fact that the chick that was running for VP was this dorky looking girl named stephanie who only had one friend.  When the votes were tallied up and posted, … Stephanie came out with two votes.  One from herself and one from her only friend in the class Erica.  When she saw that she only had two votes, she shot me this death look.  I’ll never forget that look.  I felt soooo dirty.  I even tried to lie my ass off and tell her that I voted for her, knowing what a feeble attempt it was, but still just throwing it out there just in case.  Like when a guy gets caught cheating on his chick, but denies it anyways, hoping for some sort of jedi-mind trick ability to kick in.

Stephanie didn’t talk to me for the rest of the year.  Then again, … who cares, … I never spoke to her anyways.  Oh, … and I lost that election btw.  I guess my shady, underhanded tactics didn’t work out afterall.  But I learned a valuable lesson that day.  And no, … it’s not that cheaters never prosper, because look at stephanie, … she didn’t cheat, but she still got shafted!  That stupid bitch.  No, … it’s that politics is dirty. 

OK I’ll admit it.  I’m one of those sentimental fucks that keeps everything.  If you gave me even as much as a Christmas card, … chances are, I still have it.  Yeah yeah, … Fuck you people.  At least it’s better than those melodramatic bitches that’ll sit there and burn all the pictures and love letters of after they break up with a guy.  HAHAHA, … I KNOW some of you reading this have done this.  Especially all you Korean chicks.  You melodramatic fucks.  HAHAHA

I guess for me, … I just feel like it’s such a shame to throw away such things.  I mean, … those are your memories.  Why do you want to erase them?  They are a part of what formed who you are today. 

I guess it goes hand in hand with me being the type of person that doesn’t like to throw away gifts either.  Actually, I don’t like to throw anything away, really.  I’m always afraid that I’ll need it one day.  Like that AC adaptor for my state of the art cordless phone from 1989.  Who knows, … maybe one day I’ll buy another cordless phone made in 1989 and the adaptor will break and I’ll need another adaptor!  But I digress.

Getting back to my story, … so the other night, I was cleaning my room, and I came upon the section where all random mementos are thrown towards for future sorting and filing.  Random letters, cards, pictures, etc.  Now as I’m going through these cards, letters, notes, etc., trying to categorize them into different boxes and such, … I’m realizing that most of my past girlfriends, significant others, chicks I dated, etc., have at some point decided to sign the card/letter/note “Me.”  How fucking annoying!  What the fuck is “ME?”  Who’s “Me?”  What, … you don’t have a name?  Are you that self centered that you feel like you’re too important for a name?  Now which box am I going to put this into??  And you know what’s even worse?  Although some of the letters you can figure out who the chick is by the context, or by the handwriting, most of my girlfriends seem to have remarkably similar handwriting.  AND most of the unidentifiable pieces were much like this:

Dear Dr. Evil,

Hope this will cheer you up!

Love,

Me

Now don’t get me wrong, … I really didn’t mind or even notice back when I originally received whatever, that it was signed “Me.”  But now, … I’m forced to randomly guess who wrote what or gave me what.  An extra 2 minute annoyance/confusion that would be completely unnecessary, had the person simply signed their name!  And a part of me, as far fetched as it may sound, thinks that this may be a master conspiracy by all you chicks to inflict whatever extra annoyances that you can on your future ex-boyfriends.  It would be genius if it were true, no?  I mean, … it becomes confusing only after you guys break up! 

Whatever, … forget it.  From now on, … I’m signing everything as “Me.”  I don’t care if it’s a note to my girlfriend, or a birthday card to a buddy.  I am from now on going to be Dr. Me. 

Halloween is coming up.  Back in the day it was all about trick or treating and candy.  Now it’s all about pimps and ho’s.  That’s all I hear these days.  Pimps and ho’s, Pimps and Ho’s.  Well, … not so much pimps, … as I think people just put in the pimps part because it gives chicks more affirmation that it’s ok to be a skank whore for a day. 

But what the hell happened?  Was dressing up like a whore always popular?  Was it popular when I was a kid (back when the wheel was first invented)?  Maybe I was too busy trying to cut out the perfect sized eye holes on a sheet for my ghost costume back in the day, … because I don’t remember any whores running around at all.  But it seems like all this Ho business is a recent phenomenon. 

I don’t know, … but it seems like as soon as it became socially acceptable to dress up like a whore for Halloween, everyone and their mothers wants to be a slut now.  Some chicks are just straight out crack whores while others incorporate the slut factor into other costumes, trying to make themselves feel better.  That’s what kills me though.  The chicks that try to hide the whore costume with something else. 

“I’m a police officer!” 

Yup, …. You’re Hawaii 5-HO!

“I’m an Angel!”

Hey, … Nice Hal-HO!

“I’m a Pirate!”

ARGH!!  Ay, Ay, … Captain Hooker!

“I’m a witch!”

Look, …. it’s HO-ry Potter!

“I’m a cheerleader!”

Give me a H!  Give me a O!

But I digress.  Getting back to it, … what I’m trying to say it that all this points to one thing.  What you ask?  That all chicks are dirty little whores, deep down inside.  That’s it.

And you chicks may disagree saying, … “Noooo, … it’s all fun and games.  Stop being such a judgmental dick, Dr. Evil.  Halloween is great because this is the only day that we can dress up like a dirty little slut and not be judged.”

Sure, … I agree to a certain extent.  It is all “pretend.” It’s all in the spirit of playing dress up.  BUT, … let me ask you this then.  Let’s say that they had a day where all heterosexual men are allowed to can get dressed up in a leather thong wearing a pink t-shirt with the nipples cut out, and no one would call them gay.  Do you think straight men all over the world would be jumping up and down with excitement at a chance to do so???  No.  You know why?  Because if they were to excited, that would imply that they were GAY! 

I remember back in grade school, I used to see these commercials for the “Le Tigre” polo shirts for kids.  For the old farts reading this, do you remember what I’m talking about?  Well, the commercial had this little kid, wearing a le tigre shirt.  The background music was that song that goes “hold that tiger, … hold that tiger.”  Anyways, the kid goes to school, and all his chick classmates chase him around because they think he’s the shit after they see him in that le tigre shirt.

When I saw this, I must have been about 7 or 8 years old then.  Don’t know for sure.  But anyways, … so I see this commercial and I’m thinking, … WOW!!!  I gotta get me one of these shirts.  And so I begged my mom for a le tigre polo shirt.  I didn’t tell her I wanted it because I wanted to have all the girls at school chase me around.  That would have been too embarrassing.  I just told her I liked the little logo.  So, my mom, not being so hip to the latest 7 year old fashion trends has no idea what the fuck a le tigre shirt is.  So she hears ‘logo’ and gets me a logo polo shirt alright.  But instead of the tiger, it had a friggin alligator!!

Now in retrospect, … I guess the Lacoste shirt was pretty cool.  But back then, to me, it has a horrible knock off!  I didn’t care about a stupid alligator, … I wanted the tiger!  Cuz well, … the alligator would make no sense!  The song didn’t go “hold that alligator,” it said, … “hold that tiger!”   But whatever, … my mom didn’t give a shit if it was a tiger and not an alligator, and so guess what, … I’m going to school wearing the alligator shirt.  And it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that nothing happened.  I went to school, … no one blinked an eye.  No one even took a closer look at the logo to check if it was a tiger.

Fast forward to 2003.  I see all these commercials for Axe deodorant.  I especially like the one where the two chick cops get out and start frisking the guy and smelling him.  I want that to happen to me.  Immediately I start thinking about the le tigre shirt.  How I missed out on all these chicks running after me back in grade school because my mom bought the shirt with the wrong logo.  Well, … now it’s a chance for REDEMPTION!

So I go to the store and buy the Axe deodorant.  Heh, … I don’t need mom to buy me anything.  I make my own money.  I’m a grown ass man, damnit! 

But yeah, … no hot chicks come up to me.  No hot chick cop pulls me over and seductively frisks me.  All I get is a gay guy calling me pappi and kai119 trying to follow me to the bathroom.  What a gyp.  I should write to axe and tell them that they’re a bunch of liars.  And that gets me thinking.  hmmm, … do you think the le tigre commerical was a fake too?