More on bachelor parties…

You know what?  I’m still not done talking about bachelor parties.  There’s more to be said about that topic.  I thought I was done, but I’m not.  There’s more.  Oh so much more, damnit!!  So here I am to bring sexy back!!  (sorry, … I’ve been listening to waay too much z-100.)

Anyways, … here’s another thing about bachelor parties.  It’s not only the celebration of a glorious life of bachelor-ness(?) for the soon-to-be groom.  It’s also an important occasion for your friends.  It’s a time for all of your buddies to get together once again, and party like rock stars.  Celebrate the good old days!  As great of a time and as important the bachelor party is for the, well, … bachelor, … it’s also a very important event for all of his friends.  Why?  Because it’s a fool-proof, certifiable, irrefutable excuse for a man to get away from his wife or gf for a night or two, to drink like he did when he was a college freshman, be stupid and completely irresponsible without having his wife *roll* her eyes at him and say “Chi~~.”  It’s a time where his wife won’t try to catch him riding dirty.  (Ok.  I’ll stop.)

And this is yet another difference between how chicks think, and how guys think.  Chicks don’t understand this.  Why?  Because chicks think that the wedding, and everything associated with the wedding, is all about them.  And in a way, for a chick, … it is.  They can’t fully appreciate the fact that the bachelor party is as much about the bachelor as it is for his friends.  For her, if she doesn’t want a bachelorette party, then she doesn’t have to have one.  If she feels that male strippers are “icky,” they just won’t go to a strip joint.  And that’s why she’ll sit there and think it’s perfectly ok to make ridiculous demands on the guy like, “you can have a bachelor party, but you can’t go to a strip club.”  Or, “you can go to a strip club, but you can’t have a lap dance.”  Or, “you can only have sex with one Thai hooker.  But not two at the same time.”  Just kidding about the last one.  But seriously, they don’t understand that for guys, going to the strip club, getting a lapdance, drinking until you’re inebriated, is not really a choice.  It’s what’s required.  Why?  Because you are a part of the group.  You understand, as illogical as it may sound to some of you chicks, … that by going to the strip club, you’re giving happiness to your friends.  By getting that lap dance, you give your friends something to smile about.  By drinking until you pass the fuck out, you’re building memories that your buddies will smile about for years to come.

So this is a message to all you chicks getting married out there.  And there seems to be quite a few of you on xanga.  (on a side note, … why are all you engaged/married chicks subscribing to a sexist bastard like me?  It seems like almost all of the last 20-30 subscribers have been married/engaged chicks.)  Before you sit there and try to put a restriction on your future husbands, remember this.  He’s going to have a bachelor party.  There’s nothing you can do about that.  He’s going to get lapdances.  And most likely, a great many of them, depending on how many friends he has.  There is also nothing you can do about this.  It’s not because he doesn’t love you, or because he would rather spend time with a stripper.  This is something he needs to do.  And as convoluted as it may sound, it’s because he wants to be a good friend.  And it’s because he has good friends.  Great friends.  So you can go ahead and make all the demands you want.  But know this.  By making these demands, all you’re asking for is a bad argument where the outcome becomes either him saying that you’re being unreasonable and that he’s going to do it anyways and that’s that, and you feeling really really upset, … or it’s going to be him saying ok, and complying to what you say, but then just ending up lying to you.

A bunch of us had this conversation a very long while back and I promised Bee that I’d post about it, and so here we go…

I remember when I got engaged, me and my wife had this argument about bachelor parties versus bachelorette parties.  Basically, her argument was that everything is a two way street.  If the guy gets to have a bachelor party, then the girl is also entitled to have a bachelorette party as well.

Sure, in theory this works out well.  Everybody loves equality.  Nobody wants to be “unfair.”  But the reality of the situation is this.  We are not living in an equal world.  And marriage is not an equal relationship.  And because we are not living in an equal world and involved in an equal relationship, to be “fair” actually becomes “unfair.”

Now, … before all you ERA, women’s sufferage, tree-hugging hippies get your panties all in a bunch, just hear me out for a minute.  Now I’m not here trying to say that women are inferior to men.  What I am pointing out is that women are different from men.  They’re absolutely insane, and men are not.  HAHA.  No, but seriously, men and women are just different.  And to try and go tit for tat with every single issue is simply ridiculous.

To make it easy, I’ll take examples from the entire engagement and wedding arena to explain what I mean.  I don’t think many chicks out there would raise any objection to the fact that a guy has to shell out two months salary and sell his left testicle to buy his chick a shiny little rock.  In fact, it’s absolutely expected that this occurs.  Now where’s the equality in this one?  And if a guy were to ask, “Where’s my shiny sparkly rock,” you chicks would probably reply with, “you don’t even like diamonds.”  Fine, … but at the same time, the last time I checked, I didn’t realize that you chicks really enjoyed having random men rub their penises all over you.  Wait, … isn’t that considered a sexual offense??  But yet, isn’t that what you’re arguing for when you argue equality?

Or what about the fact that the chick gets to dictate every facet of the wedding, down to the type of napkins that the guests will be wiping their mouths with.  Hell, what if there was a groom out there that actually wanted to plan the wedding as well.  Do you think if he and his future spouse got into an argument about the type of menu cards, that anyone in their right mind would actually say, …”it’s not fair man, …. she gets to dictate everything and you don’t have a say at all!”  Or would the most common answer be “stop being a pussy, just shut the fuck up, do what she says, and just show up at the day of the wedding.”  I’d venture to guess #2.

Now for those chicks that are sitting there and saying, … “I want my fiancé to have a say.  I would LOVE it.”  I say BULLSHIT.  You want your fiancé to have a say alright.  You want him to SAY what you say.  You know damn well that when you ask for his opinion, you couldn’t care less about what he wants.  You just want to ask because deep down inside you know you’re being a total nazi about the whole wedding.  But the thing is this.  He doesn’t care.  Really.  He really doesn’t give a shit if your wedding was in a cathedral, or in a Vegas Chapel married by Elvis.  All he cares about is that his buddies are all going to be around, that they have enough to drink, and that’s pretty much it.

But I digress.  My point is that marriage is never going to be equal.  What it is, though, is a trade off of different things.  The guy gets a bachelor party, the chick gets a bridal shower.  The chick gets to dictate the wedding, and the guy gets to nod and agree and make the chick feel good about planning. 

And you know what?  Life is the same way.  It’s impossible to try and make everything equal when men and women inherently aren’t.  Still don’t believe me?  OK.  Let me pose a question to you.  What would be your reaction if you heard that a 300lb man raped a girl?  Unless you’re a sick fuck with some serious problems, I would venture to guess that you would feel sorry for the girl, that you would call it a tragedy.  You’d want the guy arrested and turned into a eunuch!  

Now, what would your reaction be if you heard that a 300lb beast of a woman raped a guy?  Hell.  Let’s make this a little more personal.  What if that guy was Chy.  Would you feel sorry for him?  Maybe.  But moreover, wouldn’t you find it fucking hilarious.  I don’t know, … maybe I’m a sick fuck with some serious problems, but if I heard that a 300lb chubs raped Chy, I’d probably die of laughter.

Please note, that I’m not here to dissect the situation and give answers to why men and women aren’t equal.  That’s a much larger discussion in itself.  Rather, I’m just here to point out that in the world that we live in, this is simply the case.  And to go ahead and try go tit for tat for everything, or worse, only for situations that you deem it necessary to do so, and not for others is just simply unfair, hypocritical, and selfish.

On a side note, … hell, … you can’t even go tit for tat in the strip club example because female strip clubs and male strip clubs are completely different!  In female strip clubs (clubs where chicks get naked) there is a no touching rule.  You touch an ass cheek and chances are you get thrown out by the very large Apache Chief looking bouncer.  Sure, there are some more “risqué” strip clubs out there and there are some strippers that will encourage you to “touch.”  But that is a small minority.  We’re speaking in general terms, here.  Now, male strip clubs on the other hand, are absolutely wild!  Women are allowed to touch, grab, pull, anything and everything.  And the men are allowed to touch the women too!  And the lap dances!  Forget about it!  They’re literally dry humping the chick!  I know this is what happens!  I’ve seen Real Sex on HBO.  HAHA.  But seriously, I know that dry humping the bride-to-be, or doing some sort of backflip and having the landing be the stripper’s crotch on the chick’s face, a normal male strip club occurrence.  No??

But at the end of it all, I don’t think that you chicks really believe in the equality argument either.  The equality argument only comes about because it’s the most convenient excuse.  No one wants to seem unfair.  But in actuality, the real reason why you chicks argue for a bachelorette party to mimic a bachelor party is solely routed in jealousy.  Let’s face it.  You just don’t like the fact that your man is gonna go to a place to see tits and ass.  And to make him pay for doing so, you expose yourself to a dick-fest.  Isn’t that really what this is all about??