It’s been a while.  Hope you fuckers didn’t miss me too much.  Anyways, to give you guys an update, married life is good.  Can’t complain.  The only thing I’ve missed being married, I guess, is not being able to bang other chicks.  HAHA.  Joking, joking.  No, the only thing that I’ve missed being married is food.  And this, I’m being serious about. 

Now, when I say food, I’m not talking about “food,” as in a substance that you ingest and digest to maintain your vital life functions.  No.  I’m talking about food, as in things that actually have taste.  Now don’t get me wrong.  To give my wife credit, she is a very good cook.  Some may disagree, … and when we first met, I would have to agree that she wasn’t a great cook.  OK.  Fine, … she was downright bad.  But these days, I must admit that her cooking is very much improved, and actually very good!

But it’s not her cooking that’s bad.  No, … it’s actually the ingredients that she uses.  Everything in our house is now fat free, sodium free, reduced sodium, low fat, low carb, low cal, … you name it.  If they make a product that extracts all the flavor out of food and replaces it with tofu, my wife will buy it.  And buy it in bulk.

And the fucked up thing about it is this.  She won’t even tell me.  So I’m sitting there, eating my low sodium, low fat spam (yes, I eat spam and I like it), and I won’t notice a thing!  (But this is not my fault because I just don’t have very active taste buds.)  Now, I’m sure you’re asking, “So if you don’t notice, then what’s the big deal then?”

Well, … the big deal is this.  When I finally do taste the full flavored version of any food, THAT is when I realize how good food could have been!  That’s when I realize that I’ve been deceived!!  It’s like picking up a chick at a dimly lit club thinking she’s hotter than hell, only to see her outside and realize she was a troll.  I made this startling realization a little while back, when I was in the kitchen eating some Muenster cheese.  So I’m sitting there munching on some slices of cheese when I think to myself, wow, .. this is really good!  So I tell Susie, … “hey, which brand is this cheese?  We should really buy this from now on!  It’s much better than the other one’s we’ve been eating before!”

And that’s when she revealed to me that it wasn’t the brand that was the difference, but that they ran out of the low sodium Muenster, and so she had to buy the full sodium!  Appalled, I started to think, “wait, … if she buys low sodium cheese, then what else low sodium/fat/taste has she bought and mixed into my diet??”  And so I looked around.  Low calorie margarine instead of butter.  Low fat spam.  Low carb pasta (is this even allowed??  I thought that was an oxymoron!)  Fat free milk.  Low fat yogurt.  Low fat maple syrup!  And the list goes on and on!  Actually, … there wasn’t one thing in the house that was the “original” formula!

Now get this.  So she won’t let me buy full flavored anything, saying that that stuff is no good for you, and all the stuff she buys is healthy and yadda yadda yadda, … while she’ll go out and buy all the chocolate, cookies, cakes, and dessert she wants!  What a food nazi.