As I set out for work this morning, the elevator doors of my apartment building open and I see my upstairs neighbor inside.  When she sees me she says, “Hey, how are you doing?”  To which I give the standard reply, “Good, and you?” 

Now when I say “good, and you” I really don’t care to hear whether she is really doing well or not.  Nor do I really care to tell her that I’m not doing well if I wasn’t.  It’s just something you say.  I thought this was common knowledge.  It’s kind of like when an Italian guy says “How you doin.”  It’s not really a question.  It’s just a greeting that you say.  No one really cares to hear whether you slept well, or whether you are going to have a busy day.  It’s just something to say while you look up at the floor indicator lights of the elevator as it goes down.

But obviously, she wasn’t in aware of this notion, as she replies, “Oh I’m fine, … except for this cold sore that I just developed this morning.”  Now, what the hell is wrong with this chick?  Why would I want to hear about your fucking herpes outbreak first thing in the morning?  OK.  Correction.  What makes you think that I would ever want to hear about your herpes any time of the day?  What makes you think that this is even remotely an appropriate elevator conversation topic?  If you must, … then talk about the weather or something.  Or hell, … even make the standard, “Humpday” comment.  That’s fine.  But telling me about a cold sore that you developed makes this elevator the world’s S-L-O-W-E-S-T elevator in the world!

HOLY MOLY!!

And so now that I’m trapped in the elevator for what seems like an eternity, I am now forced to use every ounce of restraint that my body has to try and not stare at the gaping boil on her face.

And since I am finding myself literally looking down at the floor and I blurt out (because I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut when I get uncomfortable), “It’s probably from stress.”  To which she replies sarcastically, “yeah, … if it were only stress.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK??!!  Doesn’t she realize that I’m just trying to make the situation feel as less uncomfortable as possible?  Why can’t she just say “yeah, …” like the rest of the free world would and shut the fuck up?  Is she trying to torment me?